I wasn’t sure if I wanted to blog this, but I feel that if I release it into a blog post maybe I’ll feel better. I have mentioned that I battle depression, and I told the story of when I was 16 and ended up in a hospital for a week, in that story I think I might have forgotten to mention that they thought I might be bi-polar but didn’t feel I needed to stay there any longer, or something like that. Lately, I think I am bi-polar, I have my good days, and I have my bad days…today is one of those bad days. I think it started last night when my brain wouldn’t shut off for me to go to sleep.
Today, I’ve had thoughts about actually shutting down my blog, this blog. I feel as though no one reads it. If they do, not many comment…yea, it’s a stupid thing to be upset about…but I work hard on my blog. I’ve invested my heart, soul, money and most of my free time here. I enjoy blogging for more than 1 reason and I keep repeating those reasons in my head to keep me from deleting it all. My blog is my release, my therapy sometimes. My blog helps us financially because some of the stuff I review we need/could use and so it saves us money from having to go buy it. We’re not rich, we live paycheck to paycheck and I even do some ads and that helps pay bills sometimes. I’ve made some friends through blogging, I cherish some more than others and they all know who they are. I have been doing reviews/giveaways for over 2 years now, I see some bloggers get to go places all expenses paid..why can’t that be me? What are they doing that I’m not??? I’ve went to their blog and most of their content is review/giveaways…there is nothing personal about the blog, heck, some of them I have more subscribers than them. What is wrong with me?
Blogging isn’t the only thing on my mind…as I type this at 3:30pm my husband is sleeping next to me…he has to work tonight. But it just irritates me that he gets to sleep all day and I’m the one who has to take care of the kids…the kids have barely seen him the past few days and neither have I…it really sucks. I am usually pretty understanding because he has to work from 6pm-6am but today, I don’t know. It’s different.
My whole body feels different today…I don’t know what’s going on…I want to cry but can’t…I want to scream but can’t…I feel nervous typing this out…wondering if anyone is really going to read it….in the end though…I will keep going because that is how I am…I will overcome this and be back to….hmmm….I can’t say normal because there is no normal for me…I’ll be back to a happier Jackie…maybe that will work.
Contest Closed 
Contest Closed 
If you need to take a vacation from your blog (which is work, don’t let anyone say it’s not), then take a vacation. I see other bloggers saying they won’t be back until such and such a date because they are going on vacation or need to spend some time with their families.
I understand about the boo hoo’s and not being able to cry. I truly think alot of that is from sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep can really drain a person that
way. I hear you about the hubby working 6PM to 6AM, mine is on that shift currently, and then you add the drive time on top of that, and they’re gone almost 14 hours out of the day. When they do get home they just want to eat and unwind for a couple of hours before they sleep. So that does leave the mom doing it all. There is really nothing that will change that, our society has truly changed from a Monday through Friday eight hour a day work week, and not for the better if you ask me.
Living paycheck to paycheck truly is the norm I believe. Those bloggers going on trips and such are probably spending a great deal of time marketing themselves to companies, as well as personal friends to get sponsorships, as well as entering contests which require votes for sponsorships/cash etc..
They ask for people to vote for them in this or that, I’ve seen it.
Maybe you could look into doing more of that, but when you need to ask for votes make sure to do it first thing, as many bloggers enter the same things and usually the first one to start asking for votes, gets the most votes out there.
You also have to realize if you go to a convention you’ll have to figure out child care etc. for your children at home. So you have to weigh your pros and cons on that one.
I already went through my first car baby being given away to cars for cancer by my hubby. It was donated for a demolition derby they were having to raise money for their organization. Granted we got a $500 tax charity deduction that year, but it was still hard. It ran great, but the gas tank was rusting out, and a window on the passenger side wouldn’t roll down. It was starting to drink oil too. It was over 15 years old, I had bought it used, yet it didn’t even have 60,000 miles on it. My poor baby. It was a blue and white Dodge Aspen with a slant 6 engine. That was a great engine. It handled so wonderfully on snow and ice too. Ahh well, that’s water under the bridge.
I don’t always comment on your posts. I don’t always have the time, as I’m sure is the case with many others.
You need to do what is best for you and your family about whether or not to continue your blog, but before you shut it down, I’d suggest you just take a vacation from it first, and then see how you feel.
I’d kill you, you can’t!!!
I’m reading even if i don’t comment. I get jealous a lot lately of my boyfriend. He was laid off July 09 got a job this march and has been home on workers comp since June. I know whe felt terrible about loosing his job and I know he is in a ton of pain (rotator cuff tear and they think nerve damage) but when I get up for work he is sound asleep and when I come home he is lounging around. The last thing I want to do when I get home is cook or clean! I feel your pain about your first cAr too. Mine is 11 years old no heat no ac no radio no dome light ( radio and dome light are due to electrical problems) but it runs great and gets great gas milage. I can’t afford to fix it but I can’t afford a new car either. At 14900 miles she is my baby!
Sweetie ,Im reading an relating to a lot you are going thru,so you are NOT alone in this at all(hugs)
*hug* Echoing all of the above – you are being heard and understood. Tough days are just that. Tough. You have so much to look forward to in the coming months! New experiences, new surroundings, new inspiration…
I’d say the majority of us can relate to “living paycheck to paycheck”. For me – I look at others’ opportunities and as soon as I find myself moping about them {BlogHer is a great example}, I remind myself that I should be happy for my friends’ good fortune and opportunities that they have been presented with in life. In time… it will be your day, Jackie.
I am definitely reading…and you know what? I think we all have times like this when things seem kind of hopeless, or we just aren’t satisfied. Maybe you are restless with the impending move and just want it to be here. I have a feeling once that happens, you will feel much, much better.
(HUGS) you know where to find me if you need me…
I understand on all accounts. I dont get why some blogs get all the attention..and really, they are not all that great…..also Jim works nights…so I understand that part too.. it sucks sometimes!
Your thoughts are not silly. The way you describe feeling differently makes a lot of sense. Chemical imbalances and depression often go hand in hand.
Share your frustration/irritation with your man. I am sure he wants to hear how you hurt. Asking for more help around the house is not unreasonable, but you need to let him “in” so he has the chance to help you.
You are being “read” whether comments are coming all the time or not. Do the blog for yourself. Be yourself. When people follow and appreciate what you write it is because they see a bit of themselves in what you write.
Be true to yourself. And please, don’t turn away from writing. Turn towards it.
An open heart and mind can more easily be filled than those that are closed.