The Worst Feeling

On Wednesday night…well Thursday morning (it was at 3am) I woke up to Jaylin coming in the room wanting to use our bathroom, so when she cut the light on I glanced over at Justin who I had realized wasn’t making his usual breathing noises…I then noticed he was a little pale and I couldn’t see his chest moving up and down, or even hear a quiet breath. My worst fear ran through my head…my baby might be dead. Just typing that brings tears to my eyes. I finally got up the nerve to touch him, and as soon as my finger touched his hand he jerked and I could hear his “normal” breathing sounds. I wasn’t sure if he had completely quit breathing or if it was just too shallow for me to see without my glasses on…either way I think I lost a few years off my life with worry.

Throughout Thursday we didn’t have any more problems, but the closer it got to bedtime, the more my anxiety rose. What if it happens again? What if I don’t wake up to stimulate him? What if my worst fears come true the next morning when I wake up and find my baby not breathing? Ever since I was told his epiglottis could obstruct his airway, I’ve been on pins and needles. Finally when Jeff got home we agreed I should take him to get checked out, just to make sure there wasn’t something more going on and to put both of our minds at ease. I called 911 to take us. For one, just so he could be monitored on the way over, two, so Jeff could have the van in case we did get transferred again to the bigger hospital and three, because I didn’t want to wait 5 hours in the waiting room again!

Cuddled up to Mommy in the ER.

For once we had a WONDERFUL ER doctor. She actually did tests, xrays, rsv/flu and blood to see if she could find anything other doctors didn’t. When she didn’t find anything wrong she said we could be transported to UVA or released if I felt comfortable to take home…I did not. So she run a few more tests and was going to set up transport once the results were back. After a lot of tears from me, them poking Justin multiple times for blood and me trying to think rationally…I decided I wanted to ask the doctor more questions. I asked her HONEST opinion on what should be done with Justin (to transport or to go home) she said with his history it WAS justifiable, but she didn’t feel it was necessary. She did understand that I didn’t want to transport him because they were just going to monitor him and send us home again…I did not want the stress of being in PICU again just for monitoring. She offered to call the hospital’s on call pediatrician to see if he would take Justin on and admit him to their pediatric unit to monitor him for the night…at first he said Justin should be released…then after another phone call (I love how persistent she was about trying to get him admitted to this hospital) he agreed to come in and check Justin out for himself (Just so you know, Justin does have his own pediatrician, but they only do office visits and not hospital stuff).

The doctor on call happened to be my old pediatrician and the older 2 kids’ pediatrician (we moved to a doctor closer, just to end up at a doctor back in the same city a few years later lol) He recognized me and called Justin, Jeffery. He sat down and we actually talked, and I felt like I was listened to. He understood where I was coming from about not being comfortable taking him home after the episode the night before…I can watch him during the day but I do need sleep at night. He said if I didn’t want to take him home, he would keep him there and monitor him…insert huge sigh of relief.

Justin in the pediatric unit in his little gown, he's always such a happy baby!

I almost cried when I walked into Justin’s room for the night, they had made up the bed for me (linens and blankets on there and turned down…looked like it was inviting me in!) and had everything set up and ready for Justin. After putting him on the heart monitor, and being fed…we were out for the night. I could sleep sound knowing if he stopped breathing or if his heart went too low for too long…there would be nurses in there to take care of him.

The next morning a nurse come in and offered to give him a bath (older lady, I think she just wanted to hold him and play with him a bit lol) then the doctor from the night before come in and sat down, spoke to me like a human and asked if I was ready to go home. I was…and I told him Jeff and I were going to look into getting our own heart/oxygen monitor for Justin. He interrupted me and offered to write orders for Justin to have a sleep apnea monitor…it would be covered under his insurance and we could get it that day! You can not imagine the weight lifted off my shoulders at that second. It would be a little bit of a long process, but we would probably be released when the doctor made rounds that evening. They had an educator come in and teach me about infant CPR as well as what to do if a baby is choking…that way I would be prepared if the apnea monitor went off and Justin was unresponsive. Later the medical place arrived to show me the monitor and teach me everything about it, it’s a lot and it was a little scary/intimidating…but I knew it would give us all peace of mind.  At 7:30pm the doctor made rounds and said as long as I felt comfortable with the monitor, we were ok to go home!

Justin's apnea monitor, the wire goes to 2 things on either side of his chest that monitor his heart rate and that he's breathing.

So here I sit at 2am…listening to my baby breathe and knowing when I do lay down to sleep, if something were to happen, the apnea monitor would wake me up instantly (it’s set to go off if his heart rate goes to 70/200 for 20 seconds or he stops breathing for 20 seconds) The machine is loud as it is, but Jeff made sure that it’s right by the head of my side of the bed (which is right beside where his bassinet is) And I know what to do if it is an emergency.

I sign off here…feeling as though someone was looking out for Justin that night. I feel blessed. I feel as though things could be completely different right now. I never want to feel that way I did that night ever again…I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy. My heart goes out to those who have lost little ones.

Justin peacefully sleeping...in his bassinet right next to Mommy's bed!