Just Done

I wanted to get stuff done today…but so much crap has happened I just feel like crawling under a rock and crying for hours. I WAS looking forward to shopping tomorrow, but now I’m not…it’s one of those moods where I don’t even want to leave the house.

Jeffery starts school on Monday, Jaxon has another therapy session on Tuesday and who knows for the rest of the week. Hopefully my mood will pick up and I can get something done, whether it be on here or in the house (laundry, picking up toys, or whatever else)

Now, I don’t even know why, but I’m crying. I hate this! I hate feeling like crap for no reason, I hate crying for no reason, I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!

Life+Mess=Stress

I thought I should explain what might be causing my bad day…I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with yesterday….

This may get complicated, but I’m going to try to explain it as simple as possible. Yesterday a town worker called and had time to meet Jeff at the land to tell us where the best place for our water/sewer hookup would be…and for some reason I felt I should/needed to go, so I loaded up the kids and we met M down there. He mentioned that we needed to get a permit and the water/sewer paperwork done because it had to be approved by the council and then they had to ask VDOT (Virginia Department of Transportation) permission to cut into the road to get the taps, and that could take a few weeks. We were then told the town council was meeting this Tuesday (they only meet every 2 weeks) so we scramble and I drop Jeff off at his buddy’s house (he was helping him with the demolition derby last night) and run to the town hall to find out what needed to be done and try to get it on this upcoming council meeting…we needed $9,030 total, so I call up our house salesman who is in charge of all this stuff (this was really stuff he should have been already on the ball for…I felt like I was doing his job) and told him they needed the check by Tuesday at the end of business (5pm) and he then said he wouldn’t be able to get it til the end of that week!!! So he told me to bring him the paperwork and he would try to rush it…so I went to my dad and borrowed money for gas to get to Harrisonburg (30-40min drive) and pick up Amy to ride with me to help with the kids and we took the paperwork…while I was there he emailed whoever it was he needed to and told them we need this ASAP and he give me a copy of the email and then said he’ll let me know…the only way to get this done in time is for them to cut the check on Monday and overnight it to him and we meet up on Tuesday to give it to the town….and I’m crossing my fingers that is what happens!! But I’m stressed!!! This could put off our moving into October!!!

Stress number 2, Jeff’s car isn’t fixed. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with it but I know that something needs to be “pressed out” and that will cost money, then he needs to send it to his dad who works for a parts store in Norfolk who will then send him a new part that will have to be “pressed in” (ok, sending to his dad is going to cost, the part is going to cost and pressing back in is going to cost) We don’t have the money! So we are stuck with just our Dodge Caravan which I have begun to hate because the stupid brakes are shaking (it works and it’s safe, but it’s just annoying). We can’t afford to fix his car, we can’t afford another car…we’re seriously screwed on this! Right now our only option is to give the guy he carpools with some money for gas and him drive everyday…but that still leaves us in a bind when the other guy calls out or has vacation…the kids would end up missing school. It’s a lose lose situation! I hate it!!!

Stress number 3 might seem silly…but I get attached to things…odd things. The closer we get to moving, the closer I am to having to send my “first” “baby” to the junk yard. Jeff tore out the inside to try to make it look like a cockpit (he says stuff wasn’t working, I think he’s insane) and he never finished anything. He also used spay paint to paint it black with red stripes…it was blue. There is a story to why first is in quotes…my original first car ended up catching on fire, my dad jokes that I hated it so much that my physic powers caught it on fire or something…and we got my “baby” which is a 85 Honda Prelude.

My "first" car (after Jeff did a weird paint job on it)

The license plate says it all…HNDA CHC…I love Honda and always will, in the background you can see the green vehicle, it’s a Honda CR-V, we traded that in for our van when we knew we were going to try for baby #3, we couldn’t afford a Honda Odyssey like I wanted. My dad had a 84 Honda Prelude when I was little and I loved that thing, he sold it before I could even drive because he bought a truck and only needed one vehicle…he now has that truck and also a CR-V lol…I get my love of Honda from him, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. We’re actually looking to trade the van in soon for a Pilot since it has 3rd row seating and 4WD because we need it for all the snow we get. Ok, back to the point. I don’t want to send my car to the junk yard…the engine is still good, the body is in good condition (just needs a paint job), and the tires are brand new! It really only needs the interior rewired, some new (or from a junk yard) seats, a battery and brakes…then it can drive! Heck a few months ago Jeff started it up and drove it around the yard, just couldn’t stop very well lol. I don’t know if I can say good bye, I know, its just a car…but it was my “first” car and I love it! It only has about 140k miles on it! Honda’s are known to get way over 200k miles! It’s a lose lose again because I hate seeing it just sitting in our back yard like it is, but I don’t think I can handle sending it off to a junk yard either :( That little car got some great gas mileage too!!!!

I think that is all for now….I needed to express everything and get it off my chest…I try to talk to Jeff but he really don’t care…he ends up picking a fight and it just makes my mood worse.

Bad Day

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to blog this, but I feel that if I release it into a blog post maybe I’ll feel better. I have mentioned that I battle depression, and I told the story of when I was 16 and ended up in a hospital for a week, in that story I think I might have forgotten to mention that they thought I might be bi-polar but didn’t feel I needed to stay there any longer, or something like that. Lately, I think I am bi-polar, I have my good days, and I have my bad days…today is one of those bad days. I think it started last night when my brain wouldn’t shut off for me to go to sleep.

Today, I’ve had thoughts about actually shutting down my blog, this blog. I feel as though no one reads it. If they do, not many comment…yea, it’s a stupid thing to be upset about…but I work hard on my blog. I’ve invested my heart, soul, money and most of my free time here. I enjoy blogging for more than 1 reason and I keep repeating those reasons in my head to keep me from deleting it all. My blog is my release, my therapy sometimes. My blog helps us financially because some of the stuff I review we need/could use and so it saves us money from having to go buy it. We’re not rich, we live paycheck to paycheck and I even do some ads and that helps pay bills sometimes. I’ve made some friends through blogging, I cherish some more than others and they all know who they are. I have been doing reviews/giveaways for over 2 years now, I see some bloggers get to go places all expenses paid..why can’t that be me? What are they doing that I’m not??? I’ve went to their blog and most of their content is review/giveaways…there is nothing personal about the blog, heck, some of them I have more subscribers than them. What is wrong with me?

Blogging isn’t the only thing on my mind…as I type this at 3:30pm my husband is sleeping next to me…he has to work tonight. But it just irritates me that he gets to sleep all day and I’m the one who has to take care of the kids…the kids have barely seen him the past few days and neither have I…it really sucks. I am usually pretty understanding because he has to work from 6pm-6am but today, I don’t know. It’s different.

My whole body feels different today…I don’t know what’s going on…I want to cry but can’t…I want to scream but can’t…I feel nervous typing this out…wondering if anyone is really going to read it….in the end though…I will keep going because that is how I am…I will overcome this and be back to….hmmm….I can’t say normal because there is no normal for me…I’ll be back to a happier Jackie…maybe that will work.